What Its Really Like Being In An Open Relationship

I was chit-chatting to a friend recently when the subject turned to romance and, more specifically, the kind of upkeep it requires. The idea of an open relationship came up. “Never works, my friend told me, folding his arms and reclining in his chair smugly, “neeever works… Why, I asked, had he been in an open relationship before? “No, he replied. “But my friend’s friend was, and the guy ended up running off with another woman!

The deepest of eye rolls ensued. Is this not the kind of apocryphal tale we’ve all heard a million times over? The friend of a friend whose story ends with one person being jilted for trying something that goes against convention? It’s like everyone considers an open relationship to be a blaring signal, a deafening klaxon that the end of your love affair is nigh; that to invite another into your relationship and expecting it not to end horribly is like driving through a red light and expecting not to be hit.

But not all relationships that are open are destined to slam shut. OpenMinded, the first dating and social networking site created explicitly for open, swinging, and polyamorous people, claims they are seeing a boom in couples practising consensual non-monogamy. Another fun fact? The majority of open relationships are initiated by women (surprisingly, just like divorce).

With more couples venturing into this new territory, we got in touch with one who uses the site to find new partners to discuss how it works for them: what the ground rules are and how they deal with jealousy.

RELATED: Are Open Relationships The Future? A Polyamorist And A Monogamist Hash It Out

James and Savannah from Ohio have been together for 17 years and married for nine. James is an entrepreneur and Savannah is currently a stay-at-home mum for their two young boys. The following is an email interview we conducted with them; after discussing their answers with each other James then recorded their collective responses in writing.

Yes, perhaps they are the exception rather than the rule, or maybe they are living proof that inviting others into your relationship doesn’t mean that the romance is dead, it’s just evolving.

How did you meet?

We met online way back when it wasn’t as cool and popular as it is today.

Is this your first non-monogamous relationship? What made you want to give an open relationship a go?

This is our first non-monogamous relationship for both of us. We’ve shared a lot of firsts with each other through the years, this certainly being one of them. We liked the excitement and change of pace that an open marriage brings to the table.

How did the discussion go when you first talked about being in an open relationship – were you both open with it from the start or was it an awkward conversation?

It was really a lot of conversations that we had through the course of years that led us to pursuing this kind of relationship right now – none of which were really awkward. It all started with pillow talk and sharing different sexual fantasies with each other and then evolved from there. We talked about bringing other people into our relationship for years as it was a turn-on and a curiosity we both had. It eventually got to the point where we simply decided to venture out and act on it, which is when we started actively meeting other people.

So now you’ve been together for 17 years and you’re both still happy to be in an open relationship – do you have to regularly check up with each other to make sure it’s still what you want?

We communicate and talk with each other about it all the time – almost every day. That’s one of the many positive things this kind of relationship does is it causes us to be much more in tune with how each other is feeling and takes our ability to communicate with one another to new levels. It's also important to note that our marriage isn't always open and we're not always spending time with other partners. We enjoy spending more time together as a couple and as a family just as any monogamous couple would.

What are your rules as a couple?

We pride ourselves on not having a lot of rules because we’ve been around other couples that do and it just sucks. It limits the sense of freedom that you get from having this type of relationship in the first place. That freedom is a huge rush to us and plays a big role in having a successful open relationship. All that being said, we essentially have two rules – be honest and communicate with each other. As long as we abide by those, we’re usually golden.

What does honesty and communication actually look like for you? Do you tell each other about everyone you sleep with?

Yes, we tell each other as much as the other person wants to hear and we always know who each other is seeing or sleeping with. It means not keeping secrets from each other and being open about anything with each other with no fear of being judged.

How much detail do you go into when talking about your other relationships? Is there a line you know not to cross?

We go into as much detail as the other person wants to hear. James typically enjoys hearing more details about Savannah's adventures than she does of his but it all depends on how we're feeling at certain times.

Do you ever get jealous? How do you deal with that?

We do deal with different levels of jealousies and insecurities. We’re both human, we both have emotions. Those types of feelings occur no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. We get through it by communicating with each other and being there for each other. Sometimes, that’s a lot harder to do than other times but once we’re able to talk through things and let emotions cool down, we’re able to get re-centred with ourselves.

Can you describe a specific experience where one of you got overly emotional/jealous and why – and how you dealt with it?

One instance comes to mind where James had the opportunity to go out one night on a whim and have fun with a woman he was seeing at the time. We usually take the time to plan and communicate with each other in advance to make sure everyone is comfortable and there are no surprises. Since this all happened last minute, it didn't sit well with Savannah. She had also had a long tiring day with our kids which certainly didn't help matters at all. Savannah still let James go out and have his fun but the resentment and jealousy was apparent when James returned home. While Savannah was not feeling good about the situation at the time, we fortunately were able to keep emotions and tempers from getting the best of us in this case. We sat down and talked through everything with each other in a civil and rational tone and by the end, we almost came away with a renewed sense of pride and closeness to our relationship because of how well we were able to resolve things.

I recently had a conversation with my friend about this, and he told me a story of two people he knew in an open relationship, and the guy ended up falling in love with someone else – do you get a lot of these kind of stories from monogamous people?

Not really but we have heard similar stories. At the end of the day, we feel like no one has a relationship like we do. We control how strong or weak we are together. We have enough confidence and faith in our relationship to know there will never be anyone or anything better to replace it. We’re also pretty careful about who we talk to about our open relationship, so not many of our monogamous friends know that side of us.

Have you ever started to develop strong feelings for someone else and if so what did you do about it?

Savannah has had one instance so far where strong feelings began to develop with another man she was seeing. She felt comfortable enough to be able to bring it up to James. We talked through everything and we got through it just fine. Things eventually tapered off with the other guy but that was probably the closest we've come so far to dipping our toes into a polyamorous type of scenario.

A polyamorous guy I spoke to for a previous article on AskMen was really keen to tell me that polyamory isn’t just about sex – is that the case with the people you meet as a couple in an open relationship, or is it exactly about sex?

Sex and the physical aspect of the relationship is definitely at the top of the list but that's not the only thing we’re about. It's about being more selective and finding the right connection with people we choose to have relations with. The type of relationships we look for aren't as serious as what polyamorous couples look for but also not as casual as what swingers look for. We fall somewhere in the middle.

Would you ever consider polyamory?

We’ve talked about polyamory but it isn't something we’re actively seeking out or aspiring for. We’ll keep an open mind to it if we meet someone or a couple where that could be a possibility.

Do you feel judgement from monogamous people?

Not all but definitely some. There will always be people who aren’t open minded enough to understand our type of relationship.

How does an open relationship work with kids? Do they know? How do you find the time?

Kids definitely make it difficult at times and no, they do not know. We simply make the time when we can but our kids always come first before anything else, of course.

Do you feel that the way people think about open relationships, and relationships other than monogamy in general, is changing?

Not really. The practice of having open relationships has been around for a while and is more widely accepted in some societies than others. It's always seemed to be taboo in the society we live in and we don't see that changing much in the near future.

What do you think the future holds for you as a couple?

It's hard telling what the future may bring but what we do know is that we are better together as a couple and neither one of us can imagine a future that doesn't involve us growing old together as a couple.

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