The Art Of Flirting Without Negging

One of the most exciting parts of dating is flirting with people. When done right, flirting can feel like a boost of espresso that gets you through the day: it's playful, sexy, and fun.

But as everyone who's ever flirted knows, it's easy to miss the mark. That flirtatious text conversation can end in a chilly 'Goodnight' because you said something off-putting! How can you avoid that? Let's break down the art of flirting and how to tease a girl without being mean or accidentally negging her.

1. Don't Tease Her About Things That Are Important To Her

In general, you should steer clear of heavy topics, like politics or her religious beliefs. Obviously, it's important to get to know a potential partner's principles, but these are absolutely not up for teasing. Trying to be playful about what's most important to her can backfire spectacularly:

You: WYD?

Her: Just got done meditating :) How about you?

You: Oh, lol. Are you into all that pseudo-spiritualism then?

You're just trying to find a playful way to connect, but this kind of approach is terribly insulting! Good rule of thumb: only tease her about tiny things.

You: What's up?

Her: Nothing much, I'm just lying in bed watching Kitchen Disasters. You?

You: Lol, I love that show. Are you enjoying watching people mess up their tiramisus?

Her: Haha. Hey! No, I'm rooting for all of them, ACTUALLY.

This is exactly the kind of note you want to hit: where she's being playfully defensive. You're not accusing her of anything serious (which would hurt her feelings!) There's just a hint of a tease -- Oh, do you find it funny when a contestant's cake collapses? So do I! -- which is highly effective.

2. Err On The Side Of Complimenting Her

The key difference between teasing and negging is this: One makes the subject feel good, while the other is a mild insult. You might tease your one friend who loves cooking about her elaborate preparations for Game Night, but chances are that she loves that! That's because it's a compliment in disguise -- you're really saying "You put in effort to make delicious snacks for everybody, and that's great." When it comes to flirting, you should follow the same guideline. Ask yourself this: Is there any possible bad interpretation of what I'm about to say? Could it make her feel bad about herself?

Negging is calculated to make her feel slightly insecure, while teasing never has that effect. Joke about how she feels cold in all kinds of weather, don't neg her about her ugly hoodie -- or at least don't be surprised when the conversation goes to a bad place after you do.

You: What's your fave ice-cream flavor?

Her: Hmm, I'd have to think but- mint chocolate chip. Almost always.

You: Mint with chocolate? Oh God, I can't trust your taste. But then again, you did wear a poncho to our first date, so I should've known lol.

This is a classic neg. You might think that adding a "lol" to the text takes the sting out of what you're saying, but that's not how it works! (Golden rule: a 'lol' can never negate an insult.)

Imagine the exact same conversation, but with a disguised compliment instead:

You: What's your fave ice-cream flavor?

Her: Hmm, I'd have to think but- mint chocolate chip. Almost always.

You: Really? Oh God, you're one of those fancy Haagen-Dazs people, aren't you. You should see what I eat!

Underneath the lightly mocking tone, this is a rather sweet comment: you're saying she has refined tastes. It's the kind of comment that's likely to be well-received because it's a compliment in a playful hat.

3. Always Give Her Room To Tease You, Too

Another key difference between negging and teasing is that the former is a one-way street, while teasing is a mutual interaction. Make it clear from the get-go that she can poke fun at you too! The best way to do that is to throw in a self-deprecating comment, or to tease her about something that's neutral (like sports teams or favorite movies, something she can tease you about too):

You: C'mon, let's watch your team lose. Don't worry, I'll be here to hold your hand when they do.

Her: Haha. Thanks, I'll be sure to keep that in mind when they beat your team by 30 points!

This is an example of successful flirting, where both of you are gently teasing the other (the basis of good chemistry). If you notice that she's not giving you back as good as she gets, stop and ask yourself if you've struck a wrong note somewhere.

You: Saturday AND Sunday in the office? Jeez, aren't you a workaholic?

Her: Ha. Yeah, I guess. Been a hectic month at work…I guess I'll talk to you later.

Remember, teasing is best done when both parties are completely relaxed and in a good mood. If she's upset, stressed, or busy, teasing is essentially useless. In those cases, it's best to be straightforward and sincere.

You: Oh, yeah. I can imagine. Sorry, didn't mean to be glib about it! I hope your work goes well, and I'm always around if you want some downtime!

Even if you follow all the rules, it's entirely possible that you might hit a nerve, or bring up something she's sensitive about. If that's the case, don't be afraid to backtrack and apologize! Don't justify it with "I meant to be playful" or say "I'm sorry you took it the wrong way." If you're the one doing the teasing, you need to accept responsibility for a misfire. When you do, the other person is much more likely to forgive you and move on.

RELATED: How To Sext Like An Expert, Explained

Good luck, and remember to make sure both of you are having fun when you flirt!

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