How To Chat Girls On Tinder

With proper testing and Tinder profile optimization, getting Tinder matches is easy. However, many men still struggle with how to talk to girls on Tinder. Throughout my research building TinderHacks, and subsequent consulting with men who struggle to find success on Tinder, I’ve noticed a pattern that will significantly increase your success with Tinder messaging.

Building a great profile is just half the battle, because a match is virtually useless unless it leads to a conversation. What’s more, a conversation isn’t worth much if you can’t convert the exchange into a phone number, or better yet, a date.

If you’re struggling to get matches, then I suggest you start with my Top 5 Tinder Tips article I recently posted. Once you get the matches flowing, and want to step up your messaging game, read on…

Tinder Messaging Basics:

The truth is that by and large, a girl is not going to message you first. A few will, but over 80% of them just aren’t going to do it. If you want to talk to her, you're going to have to make the first move on Tinder. 

Since girls are flooded with messages every single day, you need to send a message that stands out. A message that grabs her attention and piques her curiosity. We will dive into specific examples later in this article, but for now, rest assured that you need to send something more creative than “hey.”

Dos

• Send the first message (try one of these Tinder conversation starters)
• Reference details you notice in her bio or pictures
• Compliment her, but on something other than her looks
• Ask genuine questions to get to know her better
• Work on building a rapport
• Then (and only then) move the conversation off Tinder

Don’ts

• Don’t send a generic first message like “hi” or “hey”
• Don’t send a string of messages if she does not reply. As a general rule of thumb, only send one message for each message she sends.
• Don’t send messages that are longer than a sentence or two.
• Don’t be angry or bitter if you get no response. And if you do have a temper, definitely don’t air it out in another Tinder message. That’s how guys end up on ByeFelipe.

When It Works:

Let’s look at some real-world examples and break down exactly what went right: In this exchange, Travis (a guy I coach with TinderHacks), says all the right things to get the conversation going. He uses a unique opener, builds rapport by asking questions about his match, and moves the conversation off Tinder in the first exchange, with a date lined up!

He starts with an opener much different than “hey.” This particular line is great for piquing curiosity. The girl will be curious “what keeps happening?” — which we can see she replied right away. He uses emojis really well, but does not overdo it — and he lets her use the first one. 

By saying “another xyz,” he teases his match a little — giving her the chance to prove she is one of a kind. So already, she is trying to “win him over” in a sense.

He keeps the conversation focused on her, asking genuine questions, which gets her to open up about her dog. Travis has a dog too, so asking if her dog “plays well with other pups” is a perfect setup for a future puppy play date.

He also mentions that he is meeting up with friends later that night. Great move to showcase his social life, and also puts a deadline on the current conversation. Scarcity can be a good thing! It means you're direct and shows you're interested. 

I honestly think adding the “gym” part was unnecessary, but I am guessing Travis wanted to emphasize that he works out. He didn’t linger on the point though, which was smart — no need to brag. 

Instead of just asking, “What part of town are you in?” Travis takes a much smoother approach. He first mentions where he lives, then casually asks if that is close by.

When she says it is close to her, he immediately suggests they get together for a drink. The following message reminds her that he’s meeting up with friends later, which is probably the most critical message of this entire exchange. It re-affirms that he has a social life, and more importantly, it lets her know that the date will not drag on all night.

After working out the timing logistics, the girl suggests the place. This is great because it will be somewhere she is comfortable. Travis gets the number without ever having to ask, and the pair of them swipe happily ever after.

Key Takeaways:

• Use a unique opening line
• Ask questions to get to know your match and build a rapport
• Be available, but not too available
• Move the conversation off Tinder

When It Doesn't Work:

OK, let’s take a look at an example that didn’t go so well: This example is from another TinderHacks student, who we will call Adam (name changed for privacy). Adam plays his cards too fast, and does not take the proper time to build rapport with his match.

The first thing I notice is that the girl actually messaged Adam first. This is extremely rare, and it’s unfortunate he did not see the message until the next morning.

Adam sent a string of three messages, which is generally a bad idea. It might come off as desperate, and that drastically reduces your chances to get the date.

He mentions where he lives, then asks where she lives. She responds, but the one-word answer tells me she’s already a bit disinterested.

Yet again, Adam shoots himself in the foot. He responds, asking if she’d like to get together for a date. This was far too fast, before any rapport or trust is created. To make matters worse, Adam reminds the match that she lives far from him, and not-so-subtly suggests she should come to where he is, because it’s “fun.”

By this point, Adam has lost her. He would have been much better off asking some basic questions to get to know her, then suggesting they meet up near her part of town.

Instead he sends more messages, asking why she “disappeared.” Guys, never do this. Ever.

She brushed it off with a casual apology, and again Adam comes on too strong, sending his phone number and suggesting (again) that they get together for a drink.

Her response of “I don’t drink” is the last Adam ever hears from her. If he’d taken the time to ask a few basic questions, he might have found out that she does not drink sooner.

Key Takeaways:

• Don’t send a string of multiple messages before a response
• Ask questions to get to know your match before suggesting to meet
• If you live far from your match, don’t suggest they make the trek to your part of town
• Move conversation off Tinder quickly (but not until after building some rapport)

We’ve all had our fair share of Tinder conversations gone bad. So long as you're not rude, a Tinder conversation that doesn't work out is nothing to be ashamed of — and should be viewed as a learning opportunity. 

Read the full AskMen review of Tinder here.

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